During my trip to New York back in May, after some serious deliberation, I bought this beautiful Prowess Black Onyx Mala at Satya Jewelry. It's a bit of an investment so I thought about it for days. Do I buy it, do I not. Yes or no, yes or no... I ran back to the shop and finally bought it just before heading to the airport to return back to London. I had worn the mala every day since...
...until a couple of weeks ago when it pretty much unravelled on me -- well, the tassel came off, same difference! -- just as I was leaving Kathryn Budig's Aim True workshop.
She talked about keeping her aim true "by pursuing what makes my heart beat regardless of circumstances knowing I'll always hit the mark when my intention is pure and I do my best". I felt great. Freshly inspired and galvanised by Kathryn's contagious spirit and bubbling personality.
Then this happened! I was devastated. I'm not exaggerating, that word actually came to mind! I had no idea why I reacted so dramatically to a piece of jewellery falling apart.
And then a few days later, my life carefully held together by threads finally came apart too (maybe more on that later, just maybe...). If there ever was a sign! What was it saying? Where was the connection? Trying to dig a little deeper I started thinking about its name:
Prowess is a skill or expertise in a particular activity or field, or bravery in battle. Ha! Was I subconsciously drawn to the mala knowing I'd need all the courage and fearlessness I could muster? Did the mala unravel on me because I was not getting the message? Or was I just stubbornly ignoring the signs because they didn't fit in with the outcome I wanted?
Turns out that what courage is to me and what I've actually been doing is not quite the same. My intention has not been pure but tainted by my desire to control what I couldn't control. There. Stubborn and controlling are qualities I've been 'accused' of having. Rightfully so I'd say.
I have not been walking my talk. Does it matter and does anyone care? Maybe not but that's not the point. Because sometimes saying things aloud makes them real to us.
The mala unraveled to tell me it is time to get honest with myself. To release the old and to make space for the new to enter. To shake up my habits. To let go off my stubbornness and controlling tendencies. To start living from my heart more -- and from my head less -- according to what feels true because otherwise it's just off and fake and an utter waste of time. To start living and being my truth. Whatever that may be.