COURAGE

The backlash has begun. Dramatic perhaps but then again it did feel pretty dramatic to me in my private universe. Yesterday I finally had the courage to do what I had to do and disclosed a certain piece of information to my grandparents via a letter (as yet unsent due to said backlash). I've been mulling this over for the last few months but so far chickened out every single time -- until yesterday when I finally had the courage to face the situation head on and wrote, stamped and sealed the letter.

My grandparents are like parents to me. They more or less brought me up and I spent most of my time with them pre-school. They taught me my values. If nothing else, I owe them honesty. No matter how unpleasant or unwelcome the truth may be. I owe it to myself to be truthful. Withholding the truth is just another form of lying and is a killer for the soul.

The trouble is, not everyone is necessarily going to be supportive of your brave and courageous moment. They will most definitely oppose. Even the people closest to you. It might make them feel seriously uncomfortable. I should have expected it yet it still caught me by surprise. It was upsetting and clouded my judgement.

I was in no mood for meditation this morning and so it looked like this:

I sat drinking my morning coffee and fiddled with my mala. I was half seething inside and half feeling a bit sorry for myself. I could not think straight and I could not stop thinking. And then there it went again: perfectly imperfect. OK, I can do that. Embracing imperfection. Embracing self-compassion. Not every day is perfect. Work with it.

And so I sat there drinking my coffee and fiddling with my mala and, eventually, the cloud lifted. The thoughts calmed down. I began to feel a little bit more understanding and compassion towards my nearest and dearest. Relief.

"When we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on. We've come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgement and criticism." Brené Brown, Daring Greatly